Archive | November, 2009

Canal Street is made up of…

19 Nov

cheap crapily made handbags, sunglasses and watches. Everybody knows it, respects it and loves it for its providence of all that junk.

But lately it’s been infiltrated. Infiltrated by Long Island and Jersey housewives and daughters. These Juicy Couture Velour tracksuit wearing monsters are ruining it for the rest of us.

First off they don’t barter! WTF?! That’s what it’s all about Paula and Stephanie. Since they’re just paying first price asked the vendors now hate to barter with the rest of us. And because of it they allow us much less leeway than they did before the infiltration.

Secondly, these biotches are obnoxious! They arrive in these HUGE busses. I mean HUGE! And they even have handlers. Usually some shady looking dude with an eye on one his watch and the other on some cougar’s tail.

They attack like no army ever know. It’s a genuine invasion. Everyone else in the shops try to get the hell out of their way, because they know the women are thirsty for blood…and faux Louis Vuitton.

Thirdly, some of them are just plain racist. Not all of them are but I have heard several girls say things like, “This is America, speak English”… and such.

This rant is coming to a close. But next time you’re at Canal Street and you get lost in a sea of take tans and highlights remember this: If you need  help getting rid of one of their bodies, you know how to reach me.

 

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I think our neighbor is possessed.

19 Nov

I hear scratching on the other side of the wall. (Earlier thought to be mice. Now thought to be the desperate scratching of a possessed hipster living across the hall.)

There are also grunt noises like that chick did in “The Exorcism of Emily Rose”. CrEePy…

I hope she doesn’t die or anything…

I have no patience for the smell of a rotting corpse seeping through the walls.

That and if she dies than the demon might try and posses me. THEN I’d be pissed!

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Holy Shit…

17 Nov

that poor son of a tuna.

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New ADDITIONAL blog in the works.

17 Nov

I am spreading my wings and creating an ADDITIONAL blog that will have my creative writings and other fun stuff that’s not really on this site. I will post a link to it very soon.

It’s still in the works and needs actual posts and all.

Stay tuned!

 

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I was just thinking…

11 Nov

that I would certainly crap my pants if I saw an alien walk into my bedroom one night while I was in bed trying to fall asleep. THEN I thought what would be the creepiest looking alien to see, what would make me crap my pants the most?

FYI, this is how it would look when it came into my room:

WTF?!

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Cool stuff my Mom let me get away with:

11 Nov

The good old days...

1. Drawing with crayons all over the hallway walls. Apparently she had some plan to repaint them and decided it would be nice to let me dick around with the Crayolas until she got to painting the wall over. The ” I’ll repaint in a few days, so have at it, kid.” Turned into “Wow, it’s been 5 years and I still haven’t repainted the walls. Oh well.”

2. The day she watched “Fried Green Tomatoes” for the first time. I had never torn down a wall before. We were in luck it wasn’t a load bearer. Poppy was sure pissed when he got home to see us standing over a half ripped out wall (in his office) covered in asbestos (not known to be hazardous then) howling like wild jungle women. I was about 7 years old then.

3. That time she had her friend take us to a house we were free to wrap aka throw toilet paper around while acting like wild mongeese. We didn’t know whose house it was, and we sure as hell didn’t care. Once my sister and I were done wrapping we got the sh!t scared out of us when a 7 foot giant ran out of the front door screaming with a revving chain-saw. We were in the car as fast as lightning and back home in what felt like hours. We couldn’t  stop talking about that night for months. About 5 years later we found out that the house was in fact owned by that friend who drove us there, and her boyfriend (was the 6 foot tall giant). (Side note: The house was about 5 miles away from our own.) It was all planned by my Mom. She heard my sister and I talking about wanting to wrap a house all summer long. So finally she convinced her friend and her boyfriend to play along. That was one of the coolest things anyone has ever done for me. The best part was that we didn’t have to help in the cleanup. Score!

Thank Mom!

Let’s watch that magical scene from “Fried Green Tomatoes”:

I witnessed about the first minute and a half.

(Open link in a new window to view video)

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Is it me or…

8 Nov

does the NYC Subway map look like a man’s head??

Take a look at this and tell me if you agree:

Weird....

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Great parenting example:

4 Nov

At a convention a few months ago I saw the following:

A kid about 6 years old who had a plastic bag tied around her neck. That’s not the worst part. The plastic bag was filled with comics and a few books. LOL! : (

The wonderful father was walking his daughter around the convention, and using her as some kind of donkey to haul all the crap  he bought at the con.

Had he bought a page at our booth I might not have cared as much, but he didn’t even buy anything from us! Ugh.

See my crappy photoshop skills again to get an idea of what I saw:

Who ya gonna call? C.P.S.!Kids aren’t mules, people!

But if they are used as such than at least use them to hold pages or a cover that you purchased from our booth.

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Funny moment:

4 Nov

My boyfriend and I were working at a comic book convention and a few teenage girls were looking at some art on display at our table. The girls were chatting to each other about some teacher they hated and a minute or so later they moved on to the next table. No big deal.

Right after they left this troll of a woman walked to our table from the one next to us. She looked at me and said, “God, those girls were obnoxious.” Normally I think everyone is obnoxious and would have agreed, especially younger people. But those girls weren’t particularly rude, or  anything. I just smiled at the troll so she wouldn’t drag me off to eat later under some bridge somewhere. The best part of this silly story is the description of the woman who made the complaint about the girls.

She was indeed a troll for her attitude. But she also fit the physical bill as well. This +50 year old woman was made up of the following:

  1. white fukc me pumps
  2. an acid wash miniskirt
  3. troll legs
  4. a faux leather corset vest
  5. a pirate shirt with puffy sleeves
  6. black 5″ long finger nails
  7. black painted on eyebrows with bleached too long blond hair
  8. Mr. T like necklaces
  9. a tattoo of some ex-boyfriend’s name on her hand (classy)
  10. orange/ almost purple tan from a box

See crapply done photoshop example:

THIS is a lady.

Obnoxious? Them? Oh no, dearie. You, you and the obnoxious ox troll who picks her teeth with the bones of young teenagers under the G.W. Bridge.

If you see her on the street just throw her some food and don’t look her in the eye. She’ll leave you alone if you distract her with a chicken wing or something.

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Troll legs…

3 Nov

happen to the best of us. It’s when you have a very large round body and stick thin legs that must use magic to keep your body up.

One terribly photoshopped example.

I wonder if there is some kind of Troll Leg support group out there?

Awww. Bless ’em.

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