Archive | 2:25 am

Canal Street is made up of…

19 Nov

cheap crapily made handbags, sunglasses and watches. Everybody knows it, respects it and loves it for its providence of all that junk.

But lately it’s been infiltrated. Infiltrated by Long Island and Jersey housewives and daughters. These Juicy Couture Velour tracksuit wearing monsters are ruining it for the rest of us.

First off they don’t barter! WTF?! That’s what it’s all about Paula and Stephanie. Since they’re just paying first price asked the vendors now hate to barter with the rest of us. And because of it they allow us much less leeway than they did before the infiltration.

Secondly, these biotches are obnoxious! They arrive in these HUGE busses. I mean HUGE! And they even have handlers. Usually some shady looking dude with an eye on one his watch and the other on some cougar’s tail.

They attack like no army ever know. It’s a genuine invasion. Everyone else in the shops try to get the hell out of their way, because they know the women are thirsty for blood…and faux Louis Vuitton.

Thirdly, some of them are just plain racist. Not all of them are but I have heard several girls say things like, “This is America, speak English”… and such.

This rant is coming to a close. But next time you’re at Canal Street and you get lost in a sea of take tans and highlights remember this: If you need  help getting rid of one of their bodies, you know how to reach me.

 

I think our neighbor is possessed.

19 Nov

I hear scratching on the other side of the wall. (Earlier thought to be mice. Now thought to be the desperate scratching of a possessed hipster living across the hall.)

There are also grunt noises like that chick did in “The Exorcism of Emily Rose”. CrEePy…

I hope she doesn’t die or anything…

I have no patience for the smell of a rotting corpse seeping through the walls.

That and if she dies than the demon might try and posses me. THEN I’d be pissed!