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Bad parents should have to hand over their reproductive organs.

2 Apr

There are many things that piss me off. Obviously enough things to have compelled me to create this blog.

One of these many things is seen below in a crappily photoshopped image I did (with the help of Mike).

Observe:

A few weeks ago I noticed a baby in a strolled sucking down a can of Coca-Cola. What the fuck?! This was not the first time I’d seen it either, but it was the first time I saw it and had a blog where I could share my disgust for shitty parenting.

How is there not mandatory sterilization? People should have to take a general knowledge test before they get to pop one out. Question 1 could say, “Do you feed the baby regularly? Yes or No.” Question 2, “Do you give the baby baths and clean it? Yes or No.” Question 3, “Is a drink with excessive chemicals and dissolvents ok to give your baby? Yes or No.” If they can’t get past question 3 without a wrong answer than they are sterilized. End of discussion, hand over your reproductive organs.

Grownups and kids of a certain age CAN have soda, they know the risks and their bodies are pretty much starting to rot already anyway. No use fighting nature and all. But babies are in production, still growing and developing all kinds of crap they will have to worry about maintaining later in life. Give them a clean start God damn it.

‘Nuff said.

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Cool stuff my Mom let me get away with:

11 Nov

The good old days...

1. Drawing with crayons all over the hallway walls. Apparently she had some plan to repaint them and decided it would be nice to let me dick around with the Crayolas until she got to painting the wall over. The ” I’ll repaint in a few days, so have at it, kid.” Turned into “Wow, it’s been 5 years and I still haven’t repainted the walls. Oh well.”

2. The day she watched “Fried Green Tomatoes” for the first time. I had never torn down a wall before. We were in luck it wasn’t a load bearer. Poppy was sure pissed when he got home to see us standing over a half ripped out wall (in his office) covered in asbestos (not known to be hazardous then) howling like wild jungle women. I was about 7 years old then.

3. That time she had her friend take us to a house we were free to wrap aka throw toilet paper around while acting like wild mongeese. We didn’t know whose house it was, and we sure as hell didn’t care. Once my sister and I were done wrapping we got the sh!t scared out of us when a 7 foot giant ran out of the front door screaming with a revving chain-saw. We were in the car as fast as lightning and back home in what felt like hours. We couldn’t  stop talking about that night for months. About 5 years later we found out that the house was in fact owned by that friend who drove us there, and her boyfriend (was the 6 foot tall giant). (Side note: The house was about 5 miles away from our own.) It was all planned by my Mom. She heard my sister and I talking about wanting to wrap a house all summer long. So finally she convinced her friend and her boyfriend to play along. That was one of the coolest things anyone has ever done for me. The best part was that we didn’t have to help in the cleanup. Score!

Thank Mom!

Let’s watch that magical scene from “Fried Green Tomatoes”:

I witnessed about the first minute and a half.

(Open link in a new window to view video)

Babies in backpacks…

25 Sep

WTF?!!

The modern mom with her cargo kid.

The modern mom with her cargo kid.

This is the modern age and all but …come on! I suspect the next stage is a baby hip holster. Where the baby is in a very reinforced leather and steel fanny pack that is placed on the hip rather than the fanny.

Sort of like this:

The future of "baby cargo".

There needs to be is an age limit…

20 Sep

for strollers.

I’ve done a tiny bit of research (googled stroller age limits for less than 30 seconds) and decided that no child should be older than 5.

Many moms online say their kids were in their strollers up until they were 7.

7?!! SEVEN YEARS OLD?! And in a STROLLER?

Look at this lazy kid. He can’t even keep food in his mouth much less get around with out Mommy or Daddy pushing his preteen butt around.

Get your lazy butt out of that stroller and walk, you chubby little snot.

Get your lazy butt out of that stroller and walk, you chubby little snot.

F.Y.I. I am terrible at guessing children’s ages. The photo could be of a 3-year-old for all I know.

Jake Gyllenhaal…

12 Sep

you’re cool and all.

But…your sister is cooler and a better actor, too.

Sorry, Jake.

What were steampunks…

12 Sep

before steampunk??

Were they…

horseandbuggypunks?
rubtwostickstickstogetherpunks?
huntandgatherpunks?

Someone let me know, please.

Revamp of a crappy classic:

6 Sep

My 3 other dads!