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8 Things I Wish I Never Knew. (Warning: Very Very Gross)

6 Sep

Some of these will not be explained for your own benefit. But if you are curious Google is the Gate Keeper of all thing gross and wonderful alike.

1. Jell-o contains gelatin which is made from the ground bones and hides of horses, cows and pigs. Not only Jell-o but a load of common yummys are made with gelatin. Most non-chocolate candies in fact. Many gel capped pills too. Actually it’s in just about everyother thing we use. See for yourself: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gelatin

2. Two Girls and a Cup- You don’t have to see it to feel the urge to vomit for eternity. You just have to find out what it is.

3. Bukkake-What a mess. Ugh. There has GOT to be a better use of all that. Seems a waste. Maybe as glue or something. I don’t know.

4. Bee spit mixed with pollen later vomited out is called honey. You know you love it.

5. There are tiny little mites that live in all of our eyebrows and eyelashes. They feed on the oils produced from our hairs. At night they migrate down to our eyes and suck the juice from our night tears. LOL. Night tears. Sounds like a crappy 80’s song.

6. Smell is particulate. This means that every time you smell a fart the particles from that person’s ass just floated their way into your nose. You might as well have just shoved your nose up their ass.

7. Hotel beds are petri dishes. Top sheets (bed covers) are very rarely changed between guests. You can clone a few dozen people from the DNA left on the one you used last time you stayed in a hotel. Maybe best to take it off and put it on the floor for the remainder of your stay.

8. When I was born I came out of my mother’s vagina. Same goes for you, buddy. Unless of course you were too big to fit out of there. Than you were sliced out like Bella Swan’s kid, without the vampires ripping open the womb with their teeth part.

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What ever happened to…

27 Sep

coffee table books?

You know you have those huge picture books that focus on famous architecture, or famous celebrity photos by famous celebrity photographers *coughannieleibovitzcough*, or  photos of dirty poverty-stricken overseas urban street life (these are usually black and whites of deep-set shady doorways where some underage prostitute is smoking a cigarette while sitting on the floor looking down, at the lower right corner of the photo. For the extra uniqueness there might also be her 3-year-old brother standing in the shadow of the doorway staring into the camera. He’s usually naked or wearing only a t-shirt. For that cherry to top it off with,  his t-shirt will have some upbeat American icon like Britney Spears or Mickey Mouse on it.

Look familiar?

Look familiar?

If you have these books or ones like them I vote you unshelve them and put them back where they belong, on the coffee table. They like it there, it’s their home. Don’t worry about how typical they are. They’re supposed to be typical coffee books. Just return them to their rightful place and enjoy them all over again. I bet you’ll even notice things in them that you didn’t before.

There needs to be is an age limit…

20 Sep

for strollers.

I’ve done a tiny bit of research (googled stroller age limits for less than 30 seconds) and decided that no child should be older than 5.

Many moms online say their kids were in their strollers up until they were 7.

7?!! SEVEN YEARS OLD?! And in a STROLLER?

Look at this lazy kid. He can’t even keep food in his mouth much less get around with out Mommy or Daddy pushing his preteen butt around.

Get your lazy butt out of that stroller and walk, you chubby little snot.

Get your lazy butt out of that stroller and walk, you chubby little snot.

F.Y.I. I am terrible at guessing children’s ages. The photo could be of a 3-year-old for all I know.

I wish I had…

15 Sep

a HUMONGOUS room with 2 full sized gingerbread houses in it, and each house had its own witch living inside it. One would be the witch from the Cannon Movie Tales’ Hansel and Gretel (played by Cloris Leachman) and the other would be the Faerie Tale Theatre’s witch from H&G (played by Joan Collins).  They would hate eachother but both love me. And they’d cook for me all the time.

I’d be like their witchy god daughter.
Witch Joan Cloris witch

A girl can dream…(sigh)