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8 Things I Wish I Never Knew. (Warning: Very Very Gross)

6 Sep

Some of these will not be explained for your own benefit. But if you are curious Google is the Gate Keeper of all thing gross and wonderful alike.

1. Jell-o contains gelatin which is made from the ground bones and hides of horses, cows and pigs. Not only Jell-o but a load of common yummys are made with gelatin. Most non-chocolate candies in fact. Many gel capped pills too. Actually it’s in just about everyother thing we use. See for yourself: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gelatin

2. Two Girls and a Cup- You don’t have to see it to feel the urge to vomit for eternity. You just have to find out what it is.

3. Bukkake-What a mess. Ugh. There has GOT to be a better use of all that. Seems a waste. Maybe as glue or something. I don’t know.

4. Bee spit mixed with pollen later vomited out is called honey. You know you love it.

5. There are tiny little mites that live in all of our eyebrows and eyelashes. They feed on the oils produced from our hairs. At night they migrate down to our eyes and suck the juice from our night tears. LOL. Night tears. Sounds like a crappy 80’s song.

6. Smell is particulate. This means that every time you smell a fart the particles from that person’s ass just floated their way into your nose. You might as well have just shoved your nose up their ass.

7. Hotel beds are petri dishes. Top sheets (bed covers) are very rarely changed between guests. You can clone a few dozen people from the DNA left on the one you used last time you stayed in a hotel. Maybe best to take it off and put it on the floor for the remainder of your stay.

8. When I was born I came out of my mother’s vagina. Same goes for you, buddy. Unless of course you were too big to fit out of there. Than you were sliced out like Bella Swan’s kid, without the vampires ripping open the womb with their teeth part.

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Rent Boys: The Musical

4 Aug

I wanna see a musical with the following plot: An old married couple rent a rent boy to pretend he is their son at a family reunion. Hilariousness ensues as he pretends he’s their son and simultaneously tries to pickup future customers (“Johns”) like Uncle Joe and Cousin Phil.

What’s a rent boy? It’s a young man prostitute. Or a male child one. Either way it’s a baby man ho.

I think it’s a genius plot. If I see it anywhere else I’m suing your ass!

Please vote for the sake of my hair and your TV’s…What?

15 Jun

Please click on this link and vote for Zach!! He wants to win the show Oprah is giving to a fan and his idea and humor are awesome!!

This is me Lena, not some whacked out spam bot. I’ll prove it: Vote for Zach or I will cut my hair like it was in High School…you Schreiberziniens know what I’m talking about.(Pixie cut gone terribly wrong with too much Herbal Essence hair gel). You don’t wanna see that and I don’t wanna do that…so vote for the sake of your eyes and my hair. Please?

http://myown.oprah.com/audition/index.html?request=video_details&response_id=5615&promo_id=1

Revamp of a crappy classic:

6 Sep

My 3 other dads!

What would you do…

3 Sep

if you won a billion dollars?

Well…I would buy Scott Bakula and that other guy from Quantum Leap, I’d pay them to do live action version of the show every couple weeks…but they’d do it in public and the original writer would script it in different episodes that last a couple days each and their missions would just happen to end up needing to revolve around my day to day life…but I would only be an observer, not be part of it at all. Of yeah. Definitely.

Neither of you are working now, right?

I want…

3 Sep

to become a rapper and my name be “G.O.B.”. Because I relate best to grumpy old bastards.

G.O.B.

It NEEDS to be done…

3 Sep

Chocolate dipped sour patch kids. I know…I’m on it.

This is what God looks like.