Tag Archives: master

The Cleanse: Day Seven

10 Jan

Today I weighed in at 151.6lbs. YAY!

I did the Salt Water Flush again. This time I took my friend’s advice and used warm water. That made all the difference! I still felt a bit bloated when it was all over. I’m even feeling a bit bloated now. Not terrible just a bit gross.

Otherwise I feel normal. I definitely felt more energized while I was on the all juice part of the cleanse. Where I could drink any types of juices. That I could and plan to do much more often after this is all done.  Mango/ Strawberry/ Peach sounds to die for about now.

I planned to do this cleanse until day 20. PLANNED. Not swore to in writing. There is a possibility I might cut this cleanse a bit short (although I will 100% go longer than 15 days). I really want to get to the yummy veg and fruit juices. Plus I am getting a treadmill next week and I want to run my jiggly ass off already. Can’t do that too much when you have the strength of a 6 month premature kitten can you? We will see.

Either way the cleanse seems to be working well. I feel better and I am pretty sure a good amount of toxins and things are making their way out of me in various ways. Too much info? Sorry.

As of now I would recommend the cleanse. But I advise you that you’re stomach will shrink so much that you might not be hungry enough to have all of the lemonade. That seems to be happening to me. I’ve been drinking it, but I’m not even hungry enough to need it. But I do need the calories to live and junk.

Enjoy your happy meals, fatties!

(Too angry? Give me a break…I would trade you my left arm for a quarter pounder with cheese and a diet coke followed by a cupcake and some sourpatch kids.)

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The Cleanse: Day Six

9 Jan

Damn that soup was good.

Anyway…

So I weighed in at 152.6 today. And feel about the same. My tongue is still white. Eeww. But if I brush it the nastiness goes away for a bit.

I did my usual leg, and arm workout. I think that is as much of a workout I can muster right now. Currently I am as weak as a 6 month premature kitten. That plastic bag from American Beauty could put me in the hospital about now.

Observe Plastic Bag get siked for our brawl later:

Check ya later!

Nice Girl

The Cleanse: Day Five

9 Jan

Sorry about not writing yesterday. I was distracted by a birthday dinner.

First off:

I weighed in at 152.6 lbs. Not really a change from the other day. But not an increase!

But I fucked up royally at the dinner and had soup. Oh the pressure!! Social anxiety and such. Oh f it. I was STARVING! I had a small bowl of chicken soup. It was one of the best thing I’d ever eaten. God bless Ta Cocina Restaurant. But DAMN them for their seductive smells and tastes.

So I effed up and I will do all I can not to do it again. Shame on me. Let’s move on.

I was informed by a friend that my mistake with the Salt Water Cleanse was rooted in my mistake in drinking it cold rather than warm. Tomorrow I will try again with warm water, and I’ll try to chug too.

Let’s see how this thing goes.

The Cleanse: Day Four

7 Jan

SALT WATER FLUSH= EVIL UNNECESSARY PUNISHMENT

I made it this morning as directed: 1 liter of water and 1-2 tsps of uniodized sea salt.

Mixed it in my 1 liter jug and took a swig. WTF!!!!!!?? I knew it would taste like crap but it actually tastes like evil. Pure uniodized evil!

It took about 10 minutes for me to finish the liter. The evil sonofabitch liter. Eventually I finished it and I felt like I drank a liter of salt water. Which is about what I did. I laid  in bed in a fetus position fantasizing about strangling the person who created the Salt Water Flush for about a half hour. Then I jolted out of bed when a loud noise came from my gut. I ran to the bathroom and …I’ll spare you the rest of the story.

The moral of the story is that the Flush sucks a dirty trashcan full of infested something or others. I won’t do it for the rest of the cleanse. It’s not worth that kind of suffering. I think I’ll call the United Nations Security Council tomorrow.

The Cleanse: Day Three

6 Jan

Today was OJ and maple syrup day. I tried the syrup before adding it to the 2 liters of juice and OH MY GOD!! It’s the best thing in this universe. Maybe that’s exaggerating a little. But it’s pretty damn good.

I was tempted to just stand there and chug a few swigs before adding the 2 tbs to the OJ, but I resisted.

This morning I weighed in at 152.6. Geez, Louise!

Anyway…

I have felt great, no headaches, not terribly hungry. The OJ helps with that.

Regarding side effects of the cleanse:

You will develop weird gross stuff on your tongue. I have noticed it a bit already. It’s supposedly some of the toxins in you making their way out. Ewww.

The only cure is to brush your tongue and teeth often and after a few more days it will go away.

Last night I did have TERRIBLE acid. I’ve never really had it before. No wonder people bitch about it so much when they get it bad. It REALLY HURTS. I took an antacid and the problem went away. To avoid that tonight I will make sure to drink plenty of OJ right before bed.

I haven’t done my leg or arm workouts. I’ll do them as soon as I’m done typing this sucker out.

There are other obvious side effects but they are a bit personal. Let’s just say I can tell the cleanse is working.

So go and enjoy your yummy solid food and laugh at my trials of pain, torture and burger deprivation. I’ve got leg lifts to do while cursing at myself under my breath.

Outtie 5000,

Nice Girl

The Cleanse: Day Two

5 Jan

Today is step 2: Juices!

I bought a juicer online…but it hasn’t arrived yet. So I decided to use a regular blender instead. This sort of worked. I’ll explain in a sec.

So I weighed myself after an AM shower and weighed 154. (Side note: The post from yesterday had my weight from the day before yesterday. Sorry. Yesterday I weighed in at 156. So that’s an average of 2 lbs. a day.

Today I woke up feeling fine. A bit dehydrated and a tiny headache, but not gross or anything. Began the day with my first shake/ smoothie thing.

It was a mix of 2 apples, 12 pitted cherries and 10 blueberries. It was very dense due to all the pulp mixed in with it. But I drank it all up over the course of a few hours. Tasted great but was thick as hell.

For late lunch I had a drink of 20 cherries, 1/4 watermelon and a handful of blueberries. I remembered that there was a strainer in the kitchen so I strained the smoothie mix post blending a few times and got a great JUICE out of it.

I plan to have one or two more tonight. There is still some fruit left in the house and I KNOW Mike won’t touch it so I should finish it up before the ALL DAY OJ DAY begins tomorrow. I have a slight headache again. It might be due to all the sugar in the fruit OR it’s my posture when I type on the comp sitting on my bed with my neck at a 45 degree angle. Oh well.

Also to let you know I AM hungry. Even though my stomach has “food” it knows I deserve better. Some chili cheese fries and a diet coke.

Anyway…

I did some stretches today and in a few minutes I will do my leg lifts and arm weights. Maybe tomorrow I will get the balls to do some situps. We shall see. The treadmill should arrive in a few days. Yahoo!

That’s the gist of the day. Is that how you spell gist? Weird. Anyhoo…

I will keep you updated and again if I see any of you enjoying solid food you better be able to run faster than me. (You probably will be able to since the cleanse does weaken you a bit.)

Note to self: But rollerblades.

The Cleanse: Day One

4 Jan

Welcome to getting to know me maybe a little too well!

I have been feeling a bit tired and gloomy for the last few months and decided that it might be due to my diet of ice cream, McDonald’s, candy, and assorted junk food. Luckily I have the internet and learned of the Master Cleanse. Not being a paid spokeswoman I’m not going to bullshit you that it’s the best thing ever, hell, I haven’t even really started it yet.

I AM going to try it and tell the people of Earth if it works or if it’s a bunch of lies.

The cleanse consists of 7 steps:

Step 1: One day of ONLY fresh/raw fruits and veggies. Nothing else!

Step 2: One day of ONLY fresh/raw fruit and veggie JUICES/SHAKES. Nothing else!

Step 3: One day of organic OJ and maple syrup. Yes maple syrup. But not any will do you have to the GRADE B ORGANIC kind.

Step 4: Ten to forty days of the Lemonade mix, and the Salt Water Flush. The Lemonade mix consists of 14 tbs fresh organic lemon juice, 14 tbs grade B organic maple syrup,  1/2 teasp cayenne and 2 liters of un-florided aka distilled water. This mix is ALL YOU GET (except for as much water as you want)! The Salt Water Flush is drank once every morning. That is made up of one liter of distilled water and 1 tbs of uniodized sea salt. Note: This is used to cleanse your intestines. The mix of water and sea salt will not be absorbed by your body and will actually go down the “food pipe”. Get the picture? I’m sorry but it’s part of the process.

Step 5: One to three days of organic OJ and maple syrup. Yes maple syrup. But not any will do: you have to the GRADE B ORGANIC kind.

Step 6: One to three days of ONLY fresh/raw fruit and veggie JUICES/SHAKES. Nothing else!

Step 7: One to three days of ONLY fresh/raw fruits and veggies. Nothing else! Your body need to adjust to normal food slowly, so the longer you take on steps 5-7 the better you’ll feel.

So it begins…

I am currently 158lbs. at 5’6″ (honest).

Being day one, I ate one nectarine for breakfast and a salad with half an avocado for late lunch. I was running around town and didn’t have time for a proper lunch. For late snack I had cherries and an orange. I didn’t eat much today but I will have plenty of juices tomorrow. I bought a book on cool fresh fruit and veg juices to make and I plan to make at least 5 tomorrow.

–This is diet is a HUGE change compared to my average. My past typical day’s food was: Oatmeal for breakfast, anti-pasta of cheese with sausage/pepperoni and olives for snack. Then a turkey, mayo, lettuce and cheese sandwich with chips and diet coke. I would also snack on candy throughout the day. Finally for dinner I would have a cheeseburger and fries and diet coke from McDonald’s and a diet coke or some pasta with meat sauce with the occasional chicken salad sprinkled in for variety.

I will weigh myself every morning after I shower. And keep you updated on how I feel and how things go. I might even post video of making the juices and drinks. We’ll see how it goes.

Wish me luck and if I see you eating a cheeseburger and laughing at me cleansing I will jump on you, break your skull and finish your burger.

Tootles!

Nice Girl