Tag Archives: possessed

Hello Again…again.

24 Nov

Time to start this shit up again.

OK. Let’s see what’s been bugging me as of late…

………PROCESSING “GET’S MY GOAT” MEMORY BANKS………

Oh I KNOW..

THIS ASSHOLE!

Genus: iPhone 4S Species: P.O.S.

Genus: iPhone 4S
Species: P.O.S.

I have had this phone for a few years and it served me very well in that time. But somehow by some magic circumstance JUST as the new iPhones are announced it decides to stop giving a fuck and turning off at 35% battery.

To be completely honest I don’t think it’s some kind of conspiracy where Apple has rigged all their phones to start being a pain just as the new model becomes available. I just think my phone is possessed by a demon and wants to drive me to some kind of horrible crime. This seem much more likely to me.

First I thought to exercise the demon. So I yelled at it in Spanish and threw a bible I found at it. Nothing. Then I decided to try and coax the battery stealing demon out by making some awesome chocolate chip cookies and then laying them on the counter next to some peppermint schnapps. The demon ignored the booze and the cookies and stayed in the phone…taunting me. My last attempt to beat the demon was a disastrous failure. I tried to starve it to death. No charge for 12 hours. True it died at 4 hours but I wanted to be sure it wasn’t trying to fake me out. So I gave it an extra 8 hours.

This was a disaster because since I had no phone for 1 full day I missed important texts, calls and emails. Some of which were VERY important. So the demon won. My only option was to comply and just stop fighting it and let the damn thing charge at all times it was not in use. So now like a spoiled 6 year old fat child nursing on his demented mothers teet my phone is now charging 24/7 just so I can use it once every 3 hours.

Ugh. If only I weren’t such a cheap bastard.

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A Little Fat Kid Lives in My Belly

14 Sep

Meet the fat little bastard:

I have the hunger demands of a fat little boy with access to a candy shop inside a McDonald’s. Morning noon and night I crave cheeseburgers, chocolates, ice cream with cake (vanilla cake, of course), frosted animal crackers, cheese fries with ketchup, candy floss, funnel cake, hot dog with cheese sauce and cinnamon sticks with sugar dipping sauce. All at once, mind you. I thought that maybe other people might feel this way. Maybe we all crave our favorite foods 24-7, but we only eat what we can take. But let’s be realistic. When I, on occasion, give in the little fatty freaks out and makes me dive even deeper into the deep fried, candy coated rabbit hole. Once he gets a taste I lose all control and he starts pulling the strings. I call him Hauns. Hauns the fat little German kid who lives in my belly and keeps me from loosing those last few pounds. Oh Hauns. Why do you hate me so?
Hauns drawn by McKone