Tag Archives: talent

The thing about child beauty pageants…

16 Jul

is that they are super fucked up!! These parents are 100x worse than child actor parents. At least the child actor parents don’t sell the kids as adults. I mean who really thinks a kid should look like this? (Other than a pedo, obviously.):

***Scroll over the tiara’s carriage for a hateful yet all too true message. :)***

These poor girls get their teeth bleached (or wear false teeth over their own growing in teeth), wear wigs, bleach, highlight, dye and fry their hair, spray tan, pluck/shave/wax their eyebrows, wear false eyelashes, as well a thick ass layer of whore-like makeup (what?), practice their walk and “talent” sometimes 2 hours a day with their obsessive controlling overbearing mothers who force their dreams into their children’s heads, and eventually these girls learn to become unbearable control freak nightmare children who will very very very unlikely reach the goal of being either Ms. America or taking over Angelina Jolie’s spot in Hollywood after the government finds out Angie adopts the kids so she can milk the life force out of them and stay young and beautiful forever.

*** Scroll over money wasted for more “humor”***

Let’s look at the money aspect:

The training/coach costs about $1000

The makeup costs about $100

The dress costs about $400-$5000

Spray tan, manicure, teeth bleach or fake teeth (aka flippers) costs about $500

Entering a pageant costs about $1000

Travel/hotel probably about $300-$2000

Costing on the low side an average of $3300 for the girl’s first pageant.  Then the high side is about…$9600. Note that the average first timer would likely splurge their first time to insure the best for the child and end up spending like there is no tomorrow. Now how many pageants a year do you think the average girl goes to? Based on what I have heard from a teen pageant contestant back in the day, the average child beauty contestant enters about 10 a year. The heavy hitters go to probably 20-30 a year.

That would mean on average the family would spend about $63000. With the super crazies spending $18,9000. HOLY SHIT!!

The worst part of it all it that it’s just a fucking scam so these pageants can get your money no matter what happens. Think about it. What do you win? You win a $50 crown and maybe if your lucky a cash prize or scholarship worth a few hundred. The teen pageants are more lucrative for the contestants though. But we’re talking kids’ competitions here. The confidence and fun aspect is good and all but I would think that if the parents put that money to horse riding classes or jujitsu classes or even dance classes the girl would end up being much more emotionally and mentally balanced. Plus when she grows up she will likely be the type of personality many of us normal folks wanna choke. Nip it in the bud. (Not in the pedo way.)

And why do the kid’s division pageant judges seem to be mostly older heavy ladies? WTF is up with that? Guess they were the H.S. teasees who grew up and decided if they couldn’t be hotties they could tell little potential future hotties they just aren’t good enough. What a sick sick revenge. Genius!

Not to mention many of their names are like: Aniston, Kaylee, Boston, Keanna, Teeghan, and Sesame. I made that last one up but you get the point, right?

Another thing: Who attends these competitions? Are there huge crowds awaiting the final winner like American Idol? No. It’s mostly just the parents and friends. So what does that say? It says no one cares but you because it’s freaking dumb and a waste of time and cruel to the future development of the girls. That and it is a really long ceremony and it’s a bit boring.

Who else attends CHILD BEAUTY pageants? Let’s think…who would be interented in little girls dressed up competeing to be the cutest among a bunch of young adorable dimple faced girls, where they dance, wear bathing suits and blow kisses into the crowd with a big smile? Hmmmm…? Oh I know…PEDOS!

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Wanna see how shittily I draw?

1 Feb

When I was in college at SUNY Geneseo I drew a few cartoons for the school paper. They don’t seem as funny now.

P.S. I can only draw people from the side. I’m frontlexic.

Enjoy.

Have fun laughing at how not funny these are. I know I am. No worries, Gary Larson. Lena’s career in comic strips was over before it began.

Bullshit talent agencies…

9 Sep

suck John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt ass!

A month or so ago I decided I would try my hand at working as an extra for film and TV in NYC. So I made a proper resume (thanks to Mina) did some decent homemade headshots and got a list of talent agencies from the Backstage website.

I also sent my info to a load of places online that seemed pretty legit.  Well apparently “pretty legit” is not legit.

So a few weeks ago I got a voice mail message from a vaguely named acting agency.

The message went something like this:

“Hey Lena!! How are you?! It’s Brad from (Vague Name) Agency. I just wanted to let you know we want you to play a part in the new Twilight film. You know, the fifth one? Anyway we have JUST the part for you! Please call me back and we will sort it out. Hope to hear from you soon!”

First off. The latest film, the one they would have been casting for, would have been the third one.

Secondly: WTF?! People actually fall for that shit?

Thirdly: What ASSHOLES! I can’t believe they can get away with lying to people like that.

So what did I do?

I called back and acted like one of the people who fell for it.

The one to pick up was just some secretary who obviously just wanted to go home. I told her I had gotten a call from Brad about starring in the next Twilight film. She didn’t know or care what I meant and asked me to make an appointment. I agreed. (Playing along with a scam can be fun as long as you know when to back out.)

So I made an appointment for a week from that day. I asked what I should bring and all that. She said I didn’t need to bring a thing.

Next up—> Googled them to see if I even wanted to go to the appt. for shits and giggles.

Google told me that when you go to the appt. you fill out a form and sign a contract and get a few photos taken. Then you pay $25 for the photos they keep of you then you never hear from them again. Because that is all they do. They call you tell you to show get you to sign the contract saying you let them keep the pics and the cash and you leave after photos to never hear from them again.

It’s perfectly legal.

FUCK THEM UP THEIR LYING ASSES!

I never went and saved myself the cab fare.