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There needs to be is an age limit…

20 Sep

for strollers.

I’ve done a tiny bit of research (googled stroller age limits for less than 30 seconds) and decided that no child should be older than 5.

Many moms online say their kids were in their strollers up until they were 7.

7?!! SEVEN YEARS OLD?! And in a STROLLER?

Look at this lazy kid. He can’t even keep food in his mouth much less get around with out Mommy or Daddy pushing his preteen butt around.

Get your lazy butt out of that stroller and walk, you chubby little snot.

Get your lazy butt out of that stroller and walk, you chubby little snot.

F.Y.I. I am terrible at guessing children’s ages. The photo could be of a 3-year-old for all I know.

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Monroeville is…

12 Sep

the deep South on the upper East coast.

In Monroeville:

Cargo shorts and short sleeve button down shirt= Suit and tie

Chubby hands have teeny tiny fingernails.

Newsie hat= the extent of the hipster look

Tom Savini look-a-likes are around every corner.

Shaved sideburns are the look for Fall 2009.

The fewer teeth you have, the longer your family has been here.

No hard feelings, Monroeville. Had a blast there despite the hillbillyness.

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Hotel Soap: A Warning

11 Sep

is your enemy. It may be useful if you’ve forgotten your own soap. BUT using is will bite you in the ass in the end.

This malicious soap tricks its user by cleaning successfully then once the user learns to trust the soap he or she will make the deadly mistake of using it on their face.

Oh woe is you face washed by the trickster hotel soap.

See, the hotel soap dries the shit out of your skin. There are no oils in hotel soap that replace the oils you wash off with said soap. The thing is you don’t notice this when you use it to wash your body. This is where the soap gains your trust. (bastard)

Anyway…

So you then use the soap to wash your face once you realize it’s a good soap. Once the shower or bath is complete you evacuate the tub and dry off feeling clean and refreshed.

A few moments later you will likley look into a mirror and observe your beautiful face and BAM!!!!

Your face is as dry and cracked as Raddlesnake’s ass.

WTF happened?

The fuck happened was you used the vicious hotel soap on your face, stupid! It raped your face of oils and nutrients and did not supplement them with ones on the soap. Why you ask?

Because hotels are too cheap to pay $0.10 more a bar.

The lesson for the day is to being your own face soap to hotels or your face will never forgive you.

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Taxi drivers…

10 Sep

who whip out a crucifix while driving down the highway at 80 miles an hour are the kinds of drivers that encourage the average taxi passanger to wear a seat belt.

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Angry people…

10 Sep

who look at strangers in disgust are funny. This woman has been staring at this girl with pure hate in her eyes. And rightfully so I think. The young girl has been yapping about wanting to be rich when she grows up on her phone to her boyfriend for the last half hour.

Maybe the woman sees her younger self in the girl, and it makes her sick.

That or she just wants to stuff her purse down the girls throut because of her annoying voice and attitude.

Either way it’s funny to watch.

The girl has no idea she’s getting the look of death either. That’s the best part.

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David Bowie and his johnson…

7 Sep

both star in Labyrinth.

I think someone's something is upstaging them.

I think someone's something is upstaging them.

I just wanted to remind you all.

Have a nice day.

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Clothing store or discotheque?

7 Sep

To continue my bitching about A.F. …

The store in NYC looks like an average clothing store on the outside. Except for the male models who hang out and take pics with the hot and flustered 13 year-olds who are about to shop inside for some clothes with their spray-tanned mothers.

Once you walk past the kids posing with models you step into the store and realize there is barely any lighting within. It is like a dance club or even a haunted house. The music is loud as hell too. Not being hip enough to recognize the song or artist I quickly realized today that I’m not getting younger. Damn that was fast.

Once you reach the jeans area, you notice that the jeans are in some kind of glass a and wood display case. Much like sea food is displayed at your local grocery store. Hehehehe…Fishy jeans. Eww.

The stairs within the store are apparently its main source of light. These stairs are lit from underneath with glass steps and metal framing.

Let’s not forget that most of the employees there look like models too.

I think A.F. execs. should decide to serve alcoholic drinks within the stores. They have models, mood lighting and loud hip music and the place is filled with skinny young kids and their wealthy mothers. Why not add a cocktail bar?

“I’ll take a Madison dark wash size 12 and, a Appletini, please.”

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Why all kids dress alike…

6 Sep

I saw these kids walking along the street in NYC. DONT TELL ME you don’t think they are dressed nearly the same. Not to mention they will apparently continue that trend with their newly purchased wardrobes from the Gap.

Gap gang.

P.S. The two on the left are doing that orange shirt thing I love so much.

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Megan Fox…

6 Sep

is a big time mouth breather. Someone needs to talk to her about this.

Maybe she has some kind of mouthy no closey condition?

Maybe she has some kind of mouthy no closey condition?

Be careful you don't wanna suffocate yourself.

At least she's working on it a bit.

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Why so grumpy, Lori Petty?

5 Sep

We all know and love Lori Petty. But lately she seems to not be as lively as we all remember. (Ever seen her at a convention? Geez. I never knew a celeb could be so very depressed at a con.)

As I type this I’m listening to the album of the film that taught me I can be a kick ass chick and still be spicy and funny. (Tank Girl!!)

If you didn’t teach all of us young ladies of the 90’s that particular lesson we might have turned out like the girls we all love to hate. (e.g. Britney Spears, Kim Kardashian types.)

So behalf of all of us tank girls, I say this: “Get off your ASS and get shit taken care of!!!! You’re fucking LORI PETTY!!!”

Now go and kick down a few studios’ doors and MAKE them give you a role GOD DAMMIT!!

Kisses!

Not a happy camper. :(

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