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Hello Again…again.

24 Nov

Time to start this shit up again.

OK. Let’s see what’s been bugging me as of late…

………PROCESSING “GET’S MY GOAT” MEMORY BANKS………

Oh I KNOW..

THIS ASSHOLE!

Genus: iPhone 4S Species: P.O.S.

Genus: iPhone 4S
Species: P.O.S.

I have had this phone for a few years and it served me very well in that time. But somehow by some magic circumstance JUST as the new iPhones are announced it decides to stop giving a fuck and turning off at 35% battery.

To be completely honest I don’t think it’s some kind of conspiracy where Apple has rigged all their phones to start being a pain just as the new model becomes available. I just think my phone is possessed by a demon and wants to drive me to some kind of horrible crime. This seem much more likely to me.

First I thought to exercise the demon. So I yelled at it in Spanish and threw a bible I found at it. Nothing. Then I decided to try and coax the battery stealing demon out by making some awesome chocolate chip cookies and then laying them on the counter next to some peppermint schnapps. The demon ignored the booze and the cookies and stayed in the phone…taunting me. My last attempt to beat the demon was a disastrous failure. I tried to starve it to death. No charge for 12 hours. True it died at 4 hours but I wanted to be sure it wasn’t trying to fake me out. So I gave it an extra 8 hours.

This was a disaster because since I had no phone for 1 full day I missed important texts, calls and emails. Some of which were VERY important. So the demon won. My only option was to comply and just stop fighting it and let the damn thing charge at all times it was not in use. So now like a spoiled 6 year old fat child nursing on his demented mothers teet my phone is now charging 24/7 just so I can use it once every 3 hours.

Ugh. If only I weren’t such a cheap bastard.

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Subway stair hog assholes! Photos to come.

6 Dec

Next time I see a greedy a-hole hogging the stairway (usually on their cell or smoking a cigarette) I am taking a picture and posting it here. Wait to see the a-hole. Hopefully no one you know.

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Where have all the Nazis gone?

24 Aug

Chicago that’s where!

Mike and I were at Wizard World Chicago this past weekend. As per usual we had a great time and he was commissioned for many many sketches. Blank cover sketches, full figure sketches, head sketches and all that jazz. Nothing out of the ordinary. Then these two dudes stopped by the booth. They looked like they walked out of a beating scene from Boys Don’t Cry. Meaning they looked like scary dangerous rednecks. T-shirts with cut off sleeves, tattoos here there and everywhere and none were pretty colors, just black ink faded into dark blue. Anyway they were pretty odd looking amongst the nerd herd at the convention. They commissioned a sketch from Mike and as I took the details I noticed the older guy’s tattoos on his arm. Well lets just say he either likes the SS and the Nazi party or he got drunk and someone pulled a shitty prank on him back at the tattoo parlor one night. Either way he had a huge swastika and two or three “SS” symbols on him. My first thought was to act like a cold asshole to him from then on but try my best not to yell at him about his hateful tattoos. Then my next thought was to take all the money off him we could for the commission and use it for something good.

I sure as hell didn’t want to get jumped after the con so we didn’t ask him about his body “art” instead we chose to shut up and avoid a painful beating.

Long story slightly short: Mike did the commission and we accepted the cash. Later we had thought maybe the guy was a reformed Nazi or maybe he was a Buddhist but the guy fucked up the symbol at the tattoo parlor.

Either way we have the guys money and we plan to spend it on something he would hate to if her were a Nazi, like Mexican food or challah bread french toast. That’s not so bad, right?

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Elisabeth Hasselbeck is…

6 Dec

like a splinter. Even after you’ve gotten it out, it itches because it’s contaminated you with germs.

Let’s observe:

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Canal Street is made up of…

19 Nov

cheap crapily made handbags, sunglasses and watches. Everybody knows it, respects it and loves it for its providence of all that junk.

But lately it’s been infiltrated. Infiltrated by Long Island and Jersey housewives and daughters. These Juicy Couture Velour tracksuit wearing monsters are ruining it for the rest of us.

First off they don’t barter! WTF?! That’s what it’s all about Paula and Stephanie. Since they’re just paying first price asked the vendors now hate to barter with the rest of us. And because of it they allow us much less leeway than they did before the infiltration.

Secondly, these biotches are obnoxious! They arrive in these HUGE busses. I mean HUGE! And they even have handlers. Usually some shady looking dude with an eye on one his watch and the other on some cougar’s tail.

They attack like no army ever know. It’s a genuine invasion. Everyone else in the shops try to get the hell out of their way, because they know the women are thirsty for blood…and faux Louis Vuitton.

Thirdly, some of them are just plain racist. Not all of them are but I have heard several girls say things like, “This is America, speak English”… and such.

This rant is coming to a close. But next time you’re at Canal Street and you get lost in a sea of take tans and highlights remember this: If you need  help getting rid of one of their bodies, you know how to reach me.

 

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Holy Shit…

17 Nov

that poor son of a tuna.

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The Vampire Diaries–> (Show vs. Books)

20 Sep

In 1991 L. J. Smith wrote The Vampire Diaries: The Awakening. Almost 20 years later her creation hit the small screen. (She can thank Twilight and True Blood for that one.)

As an original fan of the V.D books I was eagerly awaiting the TV adaptation. Then on September 10th 2009 I was gravely disappointed. My hopes were torn into teeny tiny bits.

First off, Elena is blond. The producers probably changed her hair to brown so as to not confuse Elena with Sookie Stackhouse from True Blood. If they were scared of overlapping True Blood than they should have realized both shows revolve around a human woman, and a couple of vampires fighting for her affection and life. (Wait a minute… that sounds a hell of a lot like True Blood.) To avoid all that they could have just done the show a few years ago…when the books weren’t so outdated.

Also not only is she blond, but she is beautiful in a kind of too pretty to be naturally pretty way. But in the show she’s some short normal looking actress. Sure the actress is pretty. But, SHE’S AN ACTRESS ON A MAJOR NETWORK. SHE HAS TO BE A CERTAIN AMOUNT OF PRETTY. Elena is supposed to be Helen of Troy pretty. WTF?

ANYWAY…

The other thing that pisses me off is how cheezy it was. There were freaking billows of fog pouring from off camera while she was at the cemetery. She wasn’t even weirded out by the ferocious mystery fog. I would have been like…”WTF, fog? What’s going on? Why are you billowing over towards me?” Instead she looks around puzzled then runs for no real reason.

I had to stop watching shortly after. It was at that point that I realized the show was put together by idiots. L.J. should be pissed. I know I’d be if I were her. Although the huge checks the network gave me would certainly dull the pain quite a bit.

So take a look and tell me about how close the characters seem, from the book to the show:

Book Elena.
Book Elena.

Show Elena.
Show Elena.

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Canvassers who…

19 Sep

leave garbage on my street from their day of standing there and pestering pedestrians to vote for their candidate burst my bubble (in a mean angry way).

W(ho)TF do you think you are, messy canvasser?

I wonder what would happen if I call the candidate’s office and complain? Explaining that my future vote will never go to them due to their canvasser’s lack of concern for my neighborhood. I might even tell the office I was going to call a news channel regarding my concern for the candidate’s true affection for my neighborhood. THEN would they care?

Sadly, I am too much of a lazy ass to really do any of that. I would rather bitch online.

Enjoy the photo I took of a fellow concerned citizen:

I know! I think they need to clean it up too.

I know! I think they need to clean it up too.

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Men who wear jewelry…

12 Sep

piss me off.

If you’re not a gypsy prince: TAKE IT OFF!

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Bullshit talent agencies…

9 Sep

suck John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt ass!

A month or so ago I decided I would try my hand at working as an extra for film and TV in NYC. So I made a proper resume (thanks to Mina) did some decent homemade headshots and got a list of talent agencies from the Backstage website.

I also sent my info to a load of places online that seemed pretty legit.  Well apparently “pretty legit” is not legit.

So a few weeks ago I got a voice mail message from a vaguely named acting agency.

The message went something like this:

“Hey Lena!! How are you?! It’s Brad from (Vague Name) Agency. I just wanted to let you know we want you to play a part in the new Twilight film. You know, the fifth one? Anyway we have JUST the part for you! Please call me back and we will sort it out. Hope to hear from you soon!”

First off. The latest film, the one they would have been casting for, would have been the third one.

Secondly: WTF?! People actually fall for that shit?

Thirdly: What ASSHOLES! I can’t believe they can get away with lying to people like that.

So what did I do?

I called back and acted like one of the people who fell for it.

The one to pick up was just some secretary who obviously just wanted to go home. I told her I had gotten a call from Brad about starring in the next Twilight film. She didn’t know or care what I meant and asked me to make an appointment. I agreed. (Playing along with a scam can be fun as long as you know when to back out.)

So I made an appointment for a week from that day. I asked what I should bring and all that. She said I didn’t need to bring a thing.

Next up—> Googled them to see if I even wanted to go to the appt. for shits and giggles.

Google told me that when you go to the appt. you fill out a form and sign a contract and get a few photos taken. Then you pay $25 for the photos they keep of you then you never hear from them again. Because that is all they do. They call you tell you to show get you to sign the contract saying you let them keep the pics and the cash and you leave after photos to never hear from them again.

It’s perfectly legal.

FUCK THEM UP THEIR LYING ASSES!

I never went and saved myself the cab fare.

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