Archive | July, 2010

The thing about child beauty pageants…

16 Jul

is that they are super fucked up!! These parents are 100x worse than child actor parents. At least the child actor parents don’t sell the kids as adults. I mean who really thinks a kid should look like this? (Other than a pedo, obviously.):

***Scroll over the tiara’s carriage for a hateful yet all too true message. :)***

These poor girls get their teeth bleached (or wear false teeth over their own growing in teeth), wear wigs, bleach, highlight, dye and fry their hair, spray tan, pluck/shave/wax their eyebrows, wear false eyelashes, as well a thick ass layer of whore-like makeup (what?), practice their walk and “talent” sometimes 2 hours a day with their obsessive controlling overbearing mothers who force their dreams into their children’s heads, and eventually these girls learn to become unbearable control freak nightmare children who will very very very unlikely reach the goal of being either Ms. America or taking over Angelina Jolie’s spot in Hollywood after the government finds out Angie adopts the kids so she can milk the life force out of them and stay young and beautiful forever.

*** Scroll over money wasted for more “humor”***

Let’s look at the money aspect:

The training/coach costs about $1000

The makeup costs about $100

The dress costs about $400-$5000

Spray tan, manicure, teeth bleach or fake teeth (aka flippers) costs about $500

Entering a pageant costs about $1000

Travel/hotel probably about $300-$2000

Costing on the low side an average of $3300 for the girl’s first pageant.  Then the high side is about…$9600. Note that the average first timer would likely splurge their first time to insure the best for the child and end up spending like there is no tomorrow. Now how many pageants a year do you think the average girl goes to? Based on what I have heard from a teen pageant contestant back in the day, the average child beauty contestant enters about 10 a year. The heavy hitters go to probably 20-30 a year.

That would mean on average the family would spend about $63000. With the super crazies spending $18,9000. HOLY SHIT!!

The worst part of it all it that it’s just a fucking scam so these pageants can get your money no matter what happens. Think about it. What do you win? You win a $50 crown and maybe if your lucky a cash prize or scholarship worth a few hundred. The teen pageants are more lucrative for the contestants though. But we’re talking kids’ competitions here. The confidence and fun aspect is good and all but I would think that if the parents put that money to horse riding classes or jujitsu classes or even dance classes the girl would end up being much more emotionally and mentally balanced. Plus when she grows up she will likely be the type of personality many of us normal folks wanna choke. Nip it in the bud. (Not in the pedo way.)

And why do the kid’s division pageant judges seem to be mostly older heavy ladies? WTF is up with that? Guess they were the H.S. teasees who grew up and decided if they couldn’t be hotties they could tell little potential future hotties they just aren’t good enough. What a sick sick revenge. Genius!

Not to mention many of their names are like: Aniston, Kaylee, Boston, Keanna, Teeghan, and Sesame. I made that last one up but you get the point, right?

Another thing: Who attends these competitions? Are there huge crowds awaiting the final winner like American Idol? No. It’s mostly just the parents and friends. So what does that say? It says no one cares but you because it’s freaking dumb and a waste of time and cruel to the future development of the girls. That and it is a really long ceremony and it’s a bit boring.

Who else attends CHILD BEAUTY pageants? Let’s think…who would be interented in little girls dressed up competeing to be the cutest among a bunch of young adorable dimple faced girls, where they dance, wear bathing suits and blow kisses into the crowd with a big smile? Hmmmm…? Oh I know…PEDOS!

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Your Hairstylist’s Hair: Consider it Their Means of Advertising

15 Jul

If you walk into an unfamiliar salon for a nice fresh new look and the hairstylist you get has some wacky nuvo fashion hair cut that makes them look like a moron than ask to reschedule due to an unexpected birth in the family and when they take you back to the counter to reschedule say, “One sec I have to make a quick call.” Then go outside and RUN!

Nothing is worse than a shittylicious haircut that won’t even grow out well in a few weeks. Think of your potential hairstylist’s haircut as a preview of their talent. Sure they probably didn’t cut it themselves but someone they chose did, someone they judged as trust worthy and talented by using their hairstylist powers/education.

Imagine you were going to get an artist to do a portrait of you and the artist’s favorite type of art was “shit smeared on walls and called a political statement about how the government treats the homeless”. You should probably look else where for an artist to do a nice classic portrait. I won’t deny that this mode of thinking is judgmental, ever rude and kinda cruel…but it’s your portrait and if it ends up being a turd stapled to a piece of loose-leaf with your name written under it than you’re only to blame.

An artist’s tastes/judgments generally reflects their school of thought/(sometimes) talent, and more often than not (when dealing when a hairstylist) if their hair looks like shit than yours might end up the same if not worse. Why take the risk?

Think of all those funny looking haircuts you see on hairstylists in 80’s movies.(Or remember the hairstylists’ haircuts back in the 80’s (If you remember them.)) Now imagine you went to one of those hairstylists back then and asked for a trim and some layers, expecting a good haircut by today’s standards.You might end up looking like this:

—-Scroll over image.—-

Again…don’t risk your hair. It takes way too long to grow back out. Especially bangs…trust me on that one.

P.S. Especially never trust a bald hairstylist. They could be bald because their last hair cut was a mistake, and if your hairstylist can’t get a good hairstylist then they probably aren’t that good either.

Good luck!

A Look at Some Hilariously Crappy Hand Tattoos

14 Jul

Let’s not kid ourselves. Can you think of one hand tattoo you’ve seen that looked good/tasteful? Thought not.

So let’s celebrate the stupidity of strangers and take a peek at some trashy tats:

*****SCROLL OVER IMAGES FOR MY SEMI-FUNNY COMMENTS*****

First let’s see some “Look Ma I Can Spell” tattoos:

Now let’s check out some of the “Give Me Any Excuse To Give The Finger So I Can Flash My New Tat” tattoos:

That sure was educational wasn’t it? Now let’s check out some of those nifty “Random Images Between My Fingers That Makes Me More Interesting” tattoos:

Now on to the dumb hipster side of town: The “Mustache” Tattoo:

Next up is the romantical and classic: The “Wedding Ring” Tattoo:

Take a peak at the “I’m a Badass. No, Really!” Tattoos:

This concludes our tour of shittylicious hand tattoos from around the world. Now if you still want one than be sure to be extra sure it’s awesome or you will be screwed and if you post a photo of it later online I might end up reposting it here and laughing at your bad judgment.

Toodles!

Restaurant Bathrooms: You Never Know What Weirdness Awaits

14 Jul

A few years ago I attended my sister’s Wedding Rehearsal Dinner in Houston, Texas. The restaurant was a nice small Italian joint near where I grew up.

The food was good and the service was swift and smart. There were about 15 of us there at the dinner. Mostly my sister’s family. Her hubby to be was from Mexico and couldn’t fly in too many family members for the event.

There was one thing about that dinner that will always be with me. No it wasn’t a toast or speech…but the bathroom. Why the bathroom you ask? Because the bathroom wallpaper consisted of cutout images of naked guys and their shlongs from Playgirl magazine and the like.

WHAT?! Yeah. I know.

So after being a bit weirded out and exiting the bathroom, I bump into my dad who was exiting the Men’s bathroom. I immediately say, “There’s porn in the bathroom!” He then tells me there are naked chicks all over the walls of the Men’s bathroom. I immediately push the Men’s door open and see he was not wrong. Hundreds of butt naked chick photos were used as wallpaper. Equal opportunity at least. Amazingly my very religious dad was not freaked out, surprised or even amused. You would think there were pics of flowers used as wallpaper based on how uninterested he was in the oddity of the situation.

What about kids? My 6 year old sister was there. (No not the one getting married. The other one…I have two, weirdo.) Is it not a bit odd to have pics of dongs or vajins surround a kid who just wants to pee and get back to eating?

Another odd thing I just realized is that no one else commented on the bathroom’s porno walls. I would assume it was a hallucination but my dad saw it too. So maybe everyone else was just too uptight to comment. LOL.

The lasagna was really good though. Mmmmm lasagna…

Anyone else been in a very oddly designed bathroom?

Time for Another Round of ‘Are They Related?’: Celebrity Edition

14 Jul

Dominique Swain VS. Amanda Bynes

They both have that “nice girl Lolita thoughts” look about them. Same face shape and coloring. Amanda’s nose is bigger and Dominique’s cheekbones stick out more but I say they look very much alike. They both fill a certain niche in Hollywood. Pretty, cute, blonde girl next door who you just might be able to talk into playing doctor. What?! Come on! They both have that slutty glint in their eye. Don’t get me wrong I think their both awesome. Great talents and very successful. But they still have that glimmer that says, “I won’t tell”.

Anyway…

Dominique has been riding the “Lolita” train since 97′ and has continued to pose in photo shoots as the character ever since. I think she’s about 30 and she still wears braids or flashes her undies “accidentally” in most shots. I wanna see Lolita 2: “Barefoot and Pregnant: The Post Nymphet Years”. (Side Note–I had to Google “Nymphet” to verify spelling since I can’t spell to save my life. Gross mistake.)

Now Amanda is a bit less creepy. For one thing she is much younger and seems to have built an empire of herself. She was one of Nickelodeon’s child actor from the mid/late 90’s through the mid/late 00’s. She was on probably about 4 shows on Nick. You know how Britney Spears, Justin Timberlake and all those other kids were created in a Disney factory? Well the next models of child stars were created in the Nickelodeon factory. “All That” (a kids’ version of SNL on Nick), remember that? I do. Damn I miss Left Eye… 😦 (Side Note: TLC, remember them? Well they sang the theme song for “All That”. Lisa “Left Eye” Lopes was one of their three singers. She had the best voice, and she sure knew how to burn a cheating boyfriend/husband’s house down. Sadly…it was her house too at the time. She later died in a car accident.)

Anyway…

I think Dominique and Amanda could play sisters. And it’s creepy how much time has passed and how little either of them has aged. Especially Dominique. I think she’s an alien. Possibly a pod person.

Thoughts?