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One of My Heroes: Full Moon Features/Charles Band

31 Mar

In 1989 Charles Band created Full Moon Productions. He wanted a production company that would churn out a horror/sci-fi film once a month(ish). The films would be made on a super low budget but still look much better than their competitors (similar low budget production companies). Through the 90’s Fullmoon was noticeably successful. The Puppet Master and Subspecies franchises kept audiences wanting more. They also put out dozens of other films which varied in success. The later 90’s into the early 2000’s saw Fullmoon lose its audience. Band renamed the company several times since 1989 and it’s now called Fullmoon Features. The company is now actually starting to bring itself back to life. Being a huge fan of the company I am super excited and would kill to work with them. HINT HINT, Mr. Band.

But really folks. You need to check out some of their best works and enjoy the goof and wonder that is the mighty and terrible Fullmoon Features. See below for a list of films from which to start your Fullmoon journey:

 

1. Castle Freak- Let’s just lay it all out on the table now so you know what you’re getting into. Like pulling a band-aid quickly. Especially if that band-aid happens to be a naked rotting castle freak wreaking havok on the new tenants.

2. Puppet Master 1- William Hickey, puppets that kill, and a sexual psychic. What more can you want? Oh…you’re looking for a puppet that vomits up leaches, too? Let’s see…You’re in luck. We have one right here. She even cuddles the victims that she’s vomiting them on.

3. Subspecies 2- In all honesty I think Gary Oldman might have taken a note or two from Radu. That whole decrepit yet enticing thing was Radu’s idea first. Also notice that the blood in this is actually really really gross. These vampires are very messy and tend to let the blood just leak out of their mouths after they take a victim. Eww.

4. Dollman vs. Demonic Toys- A 13” tall mini-cop from the future, played by Tim motherfucking Thomerson!, must rescue ”Nurse Ginger”, a mini-bimbo from the present (She was shrunk down…its a long story.) from being impregnated by a demon possessed baby doll. No one wants to give birth to the anti-christ. Not even mini-bimbos named Nurse Ginger.

 

So please check out the site of the Company and even a few of the film. I can promise you one thing: YOU WILL NEVER FORGET ANYTHING FROM FULLMOON. Even if it’s not quite your cup of tea. It’s still some tea you will never forget the taste of.

 

http://www.fullmoondirect.com/

http://www.fullmoonfeatures.com/

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Want to know why there are so many DC references and so few Marvel ones on “The Big Bang Theory”? Find out here!

14 Sep

Warner Brothers owns the show and Warner Brothers owns DC Comics. Marvel Comics is the major competition of DC Comics. The end.

Attention all cashiers!!:

8 Dec

STOP FUCKING HANDING ME MY CHANGE OVER MY BILLS AND RECEIPT, YOU FUCKING TWATCOCKS*!!!!!!

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Port Washington, Lena herself was a simple cashier at Genovese Pharmacy later known as Eckerd Pharmacy, later still known as Duane Reade. Once there she was taught the basics of being a cashier: ring up their crap, tell them the total, bag it then take their money and give them their change and receipt. She may have hated some parts of that job but she didn’t think that the simple cashier work was fucking brain surgery. So today Lena is going to share with EVERYONE how a proper cashier hands back change with a receipt. Watch and learn. It may save your life someday…or maybe not.

*Twatcocks [twaht-koks]

1. Unisex title for someone who is acting like an asshole, but worse.

–noun Slang: Vulgar.

Origin: Lena made it up.

Thank you Interscope for making domestic violence romantic again.

13 Aug

I was on CNN.com trying to pretend I care about the news, and I came across this video article:

http://www.cnn.com/video/#/video/showbiz/2010/08/13/am.costello.domestic.violence.cnn?hpt=C2

So check out the music video itself before you decide what you really think:

Now…

Are you also pissed as shit? I know all relationships are different. But I think it’s very fucked up to illustrate an abusive relationship as sexy and give it a happy cuddly ending. Ending exactly as it began. Though the ending does show that it will be a cycle of abuse until someone leaves for good. But still…hot sex during abuse…really? Really??

I’m pretty sure being beat about the face doesn’t make one hot. Maybe I’m just weird.

There is much more that can be said about this video. Like why would Rihanna, a known victim of abuse, be cool with illustrating that abuse is a cause and effect type of deal? If you yell at me I hit you and then you yell and I hit again. The fact is that in reality you don’t have to say anything to be hit. You can act as calm as a bunny on a Summer day and get beat to shit because your bunny partner is an abusive prick. Anyway…

Did the hobbit get the temporary tattoos put on for the video to make him look badass? Or did he get them post hobbit to show chicks he was a manly man?

One final thought: How many “wife beaters” aka ribbed tanks does Eminem own? He wears them in almost every music video. And isn’t it funny he wears a wife beater while singing about hitting his girlfriend? HA.

P.S. Mike told me to make it clean that this is not an allegory for our domestic bliss.

Some stills from the video:

“Cable Guy” and “The Truman Show”…

8 Oct

end the exact same way. Has anyone else noticed this?

Here is a link to each ending.

Go to 4:10 then watch until 5:15.

So what happened here?

Well the programming everyone was glued to on TV was interrupted by Jim Carrey and the screen went snowy. Finally all the viewers then had to find something else to do. Also, someone hit their TV to see it that would help with the snow.

Now let’s see how “The Truman Show” ends.

Start at 5:30 and watch to the end.

We see another montage of tv viewers eagerly awaiting the conclusion of their programming, and eventually the screen goes snowy and no more TV. The viewers again have to find something else to do. Also, someone else hit their TV to see if that would help.

Let’s work this out a bit:

“Cable Guy” was made first. So… did “The Truman Show” writer see “Cable Guy” and rip off the ending? The ending of “Cable Guy” is basically the whole of “The Truman Show”. (That whole: people are too dependent on TV, and need to get out and live their lives thing.) So maybe “T.T.S” writer saw “C.G” and thought,”Yeah. People are way too dependent on TV. What if I wrote a film script about a TV show that combined the whole ‘everyone is an actor in my life but me thing’ and that whole ‘People are too dependent on TV thing’. I’ll make billions!! And maybe I can get Jim Carrey in on it too. Cool.”

That’s my guess. Any other assumptions?

Disappointing Celebrity Dialects:

21 Sep

Here are three examples of celebrities who have disappointing natural dialects. In their performances they usually either put on other dialects or fix their own in a way that makes their voices somewhat listen-to-able.

Alexis Denisof

Jake Gyllenhaal

James Marsters

My first time…

18 Sep

making a video.

Enjoy!