Archive | EWWW! RSS feed for this section

Dr. Floyd.

7 Jan

Max had a popcorn kernel stuck in one of his recently removed wisdom tooth holes.

He couldn’t get it out on his own and called the dentist to make an appt for tomorrow. He asked if I could take a look in the mean time.

I went straight into Dr. Lena mode.

I got all the necessary equipment out.

The tooth mirror thing, the flat hooked tooth pick metal thing, tweezers, a light and a syringe with no needle to try and plow that kernel out using water jetted right on it.

Then I sterilized the working station, myself and the equipment.

It was time to begin. I tried to jet water into the gun cavity but I couldn’t reach it. So I say Max down and tried the flat hooked tooth pick metal thing. That worked very well and after a few minutes it dislodged. I had him rinse and mission complete. No need for a $100 dentist appt.

He later wrote me a yelp review and sent it via text: (Slight edit made for context.)

” Yelp review for Dr. Floyd’s. 

She got the job done in a calm and careful manor. She was very reassuring and confident. She had the tools needed for the job. Although she didn’t wear a mask. All in all, I would return. I think she works a lot on kids as she was in a hedgehog onesie the entire time.”

8 Things I Wish I Never Knew. (Warning: Very Very Gross)

6 Sep

Some of these will not be explained for your own benefit. But if you are curious Google is the Gate Keeper of all thing gross and wonderful alike.

1. Jell-o contains gelatin which is made from the ground bones and hides of horses, cows and pigs. Not only Jell-o but a load of common yummys are made with gelatin. Most non-chocolate candies in fact. Many gel capped pills too. Actually it’s in just about everyother thing we use. See for yourself: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gelatin

2. Two Girls and a Cup- You don’t have to see it to feel the urge to vomit for eternity. You just have to find out what it is.

3. Bukkake-What a mess. Ugh. There has GOT to be a better use of all that. Seems a waste. Maybe as glue or something. I don’t know.

4. Bee spit mixed with pollen later vomited out is called honey. You know you love it.

5. There are tiny little mites that live in all of our eyebrows and eyelashes. They feed on the oils produced from our hairs. At night they migrate down to our eyes and suck the juice from our night tears. LOL. Night tears. Sounds like a crappy 80’s song.

6. Smell is particulate. This means that every time you smell a fart the particles from that person’s ass just floated their way into your nose. You might as well have just shoved your nose up their ass.

7. Hotel beds are petri dishes. Top sheets (bed covers) are very rarely changed between guests. You can clone a few dozen people from the DNA left on the one you used last time you stayed in a hotel. Maybe best to take it off and put it on the floor for the remainder of your stay.

8. When I was born I came out of my mother’s vagina. Same goes for you, buddy. Unless of course you were too big to fit out of there. Than you were sliced out like Bella Swan’s kid, without the vampires ripping open the womb with their teeth part.

Rent Boys: The Musical

4 Aug

I wanna see a musical with the following plot: An old married couple rent a rent boy to pretend he is their son at a family reunion. Hilariousness ensues as he pretends he’s their son and simultaneously tries to pickup future customers (“Johns”) like Uncle Joe and Cousin Phil.

What’s a rent boy? It’s a young man prostitute. Or a male child one. Either way it’s a baby man ho.

I think it’s a genius plot. If I see it anywhere else I’m suing your ass!

A Look at Some Hilariously Crappy Hand Tattoos

14 Jul

Let’s not kid ourselves. Can you think of one hand tattoo you’ve seen that looked good/tasteful? Thought not.

So let’s celebrate the stupidity of strangers and take a peek at some trashy tats:

*****SCROLL OVER IMAGES FOR MY SEMI-FUNNY COMMENTS*****

First let’s see some “Look Ma I Can Spell” tattoos:

Now let’s check out some of the “Give Me Any Excuse To Give The Finger So I Can Flash My New Tat” tattoos:

That sure was educational wasn’t it? Now let’s check out some of those nifty “Random Images Between My Fingers That Makes Me More Interesting” tattoos:

Now on to the dumb hipster side of town: The “Mustache” Tattoo:

Next up is the romantical and classic: The “Wedding Ring” Tattoo:

Take a peak at the “I’m a Badass. No, Really!” Tattoos:

This concludes our tour of shittylicious hand tattoos from around the world. Now if you still want one than be sure to be extra sure it’s awesome or you will be screwed and if you post a photo of it later online I might end up reposting it here and laughing at your bad judgment.

Toodles!

Restaurant Bathrooms: You Never Know What Weirdness Awaits

14 Jul

A few years ago I attended my sister’s Wedding Rehearsal Dinner in Houston, Texas. The restaurant was a nice small Italian joint near where I grew up.

The food was good and the service was swift and smart. There were about 15 of us there at the dinner. Mostly my sister’s family. Her hubby to be was from Mexico and couldn’t fly in too many family members for the event.

There was one thing about that dinner that will always be with me. No it wasn’t a toast or speech…but the bathroom. Why the bathroom you ask? Because the bathroom wallpaper consisted of cutout images of naked guys and their shlongs from Playgirl magazine and the like.

WHAT?! Yeah. I know.

So after being a bit weirded out and exiting the bathroom, I bump into my dad who was exiting the Men’s bathroom. I immediately say, “There’s porn in the bathroom!” He then tells me there are naked chicks all over the walls of the Men’s bathroom. I immediately push the Men’s door open and see he was not wrong. Hundreds of butt naked chick photos were used as wallpaper. Equal opportunity at least. Amazingly my very religious dad was not freaked out, surprised or even amused. You would think there were pics of flowers used as wallpaper based on how uninterested he was in the oddity of the situation.

What about kids? My 6 year old sister was there. (No not the one getting married. The other one…I have two, weirdo.) Is it not a bit odd to have pics of dongs or vajins surround a kid who just wants to pee and get back to eating?

Another odd thing I just realized is that no one else commented on the bathroom’s porno walls. I would assume it was a hallucination but my dad saw it too. So maybe everyone else was just too uptight to comment. LOL.

The lasagna was really good though. Mmmmm lasagna…

Anyone else been in a very oddly designed bathroom?

Bad parents should have to hand over their reproductive organs.

2 Apr

There are many things that piss me off. Obviously enough things to have compelled me to create this blog.

One of these many things is seen below in a crappily photoshopped image I did (with the help of Mike).

Observe:

A few weeks ago I noticed a baby in a strolled sucking down a can of Coca-Cola. What the fuck?! This was not the first time I’d seen it either, but it was the first time I saw it and had a blog where I could share my disgust for shitty parenting.

How is there not mandatory sterilization? People should have to take a general knowledge test before they get to pop one out. Question 1 could say, “Do you feed the baby regularly? Yes or No.” Question 2, “Do you give the baby baths and clean it? Yes or No.” Question 3, “Is a drink with excessive chemicals and dissolvents ok to give your baby? Yes or No.” If they can’t get past question 3 without a wrong answer than they are sterilized. End of discussion, hand over your reproductive organs.

Grownups and kids of a certain age CAN have soda, they know the risks and their bodies are pretty much starting to rot already anyway. No use fighting nature and all. But babies are in production, still growing and developing all kinds of crap they will have to worry about maintaining later in life. Give them a clean start God damn it.

‘Nuff said.

Is it me or…

9 Dec

is Beast from any film or TV adaptation of “Beauty and the Beast” fuglier as a human than as a beast?

Let’s take a look at the beasts vs. their human counterparts:

Maybe it’s just me. But these guys either turn extra beastly as men or extra girly. Poor, Beauty.

P.S. Who the hell names their kid “Beauty”??

Fin.