Archive | 5:21 pm

It just occurred to me…

11 Sep

that the word “schweizer” might be a derogatory term in German. I’m sure I’ve spelled it incorrectly just now too.

What does it really mean? I’ve always thought it was German for “god damn it” or “shit!”. Basically something you’de say when you’ve screwed up.

I would use it occassionally when I’d done something stupid thinking it was funny to yell in German while pounding my fist on a desk in anger.

Anyway…

It was brought to my attention that the term might be racist or some other terribly offensive phrase.

At that moment I had a flash of each time I’d screamed it at myself at work, on trains, on the street and at conventions. My god…have I been offending the people around me all this time?

I froze for a second to digest the possibility then snapped out of it and typed furiously on the iPhone to investigate the word’s meaning.

Well…

Apparently I have yet to spell it properly because igoogle translator says it means Swiss. Or… maybe “Swiss” is a curse word in Germany??

Either way WTF does it mean and who have I offended?

Anyone know??

Thanks

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65 year old women…

11 Sep

who are in GREAT shape yet dress like 11 year old girls make me sad.

These women are so well preserved yet dress themselves to resemble Baby Jane circa 2009. W(hy)TF are they wasting their hotness??

Jesus, I’d kill to be as in shape as some of these broads. And I’d squeeze every drop out of it instead of dressing like a crazy freak who thinks she’s in grade school.

If any hot grandmas read this: you need to talk to your grand daughter and learn what to wear out in public.

With much power comes much responsibility.

Actors who appear…

11 Sep

to wear eyeliner.

Let’s make a list.

Ray Liotta: Not quite as good since “Goodfellas”. Sorry 😦

Jeff Goldblum: Loved you in almost everything. But, why the hell did you and Geena Davis break up?!! You were the perfect cool Hollywood couple. You would have had great Amazon warrior looking kids.

Nester Carbonell: Is he immortal or what? Someone else who watches “Lost”, please tell me.

Mario Cantone: Will be forever known as that other gay guy in “Sex and the City”.

Croc shoes…

11 Sep

are for gardening ONLY!!!

Stop wearing them like they’re normal fucking shoes!

Thank you.

Kevin Bacon’s hair…

11 Sep

has not changed since 1987.

WTF is that about?

Don’t get me wrong. The Bacon is awesome as is his lovely and talented wife Kyra Sedgwick.

Side note: We share a vet. Oh yeah.

Pin cushions…

11 Sep

shaped and painted to resemble tomatoes. Why tomatoes??

And WTF is up with the tiny pepper attached to the tomato pin cushion?

Would anyone with some Home Ec. skills bring me in on this mysterious secret?

Hotel Soap: A Warning

11 Sep

is your enemy. It may be useful if you’ve forgotten your own soap. BUT using is will bite you in the ass in the end.

This malicious soap tricks its user by cleaning successfully then once the user learns to trust the soap he or she will make the deadly mistake of using it on their face.

Oh woe is you face washed by the trickster hotel soap.

See, the hotel soap dries the shit out of your skin. There are no oils in hotel soap that replace the oils you wash off with said soap. The thing is you don’t notice this when you use it to wash your body. This is where the soap gains your trust. (bastard)

Anyway…

So you then use the soap to wash your face once you realize it’s a good soap. Once the shower or bath is complete you evacuate the tub and dry off feeling clean and refreshed.

A few moments later you will likley look into a mirror and observe your beautiful face and BAM!!!!

Your face is as dry and cracked as Raddlesnake’s ass.

WTF happened?

The fuck happened was you used the vicious hotel soap on your face, stupid! It raped your face of oils and nutrients and did not supplement them with ones on the soap. Why you ask?

Because hotels are too cheap to pay $0.10 more a bar.

The lesson for the day is to being your own face soap to hotels or your face will never forgive you.